What does this lead to?

Seeing how things are screwing themselves up and how I single-handedly screwed up my own schooling, I've been thinking, what is all this for? With the vast amount of pockets of free time I have right now, in between rushing for deadlines for my publicity work, I've waayyyyyyyyyy too much time on my hands and I just find my mind wandering, stumbling and tumbling from topic to topic and at the end of it all, when I snap back to reality, finding myself much more miserable than I could ever be.

How did my life end up this way? This wasn't how I had envisioned it to be three years ago when I stepped in to NUS as a freshman!

What went wrong?

Maybe I shouldn't have entered university in the first place. Someone else more deserving of the place could have gotten in should I have decided to skip university. Who knows, it might have been our next Mark Zuckerberg.

You know all that bullshit they say about following your dreams. I guess I really should have chosen my heart over my mind three years ago. Listening to your mind sucks. Decisions that you make after thinking them over always end up making you more miserable.

I'm not saying that I regret entering NUS totally. There have been good things that have happened to me, and inspiring and good people that I've managed to meet, as well as the chances that came my way which would never have happened if I hadn't come to NUS.

But something at the back of my mind just constantly nags at me, telling me that this is the wrong choice.

Regretting the path you have taken does not feel good at all. We all know that we should be positive, but things are easier said than done. Salvaging the situation does not seem to be an option for me at my current state.

Meeting the curriculum head of Computer Science on Monday to discuss and seal my destiny. Just at the mention of this, you should be able to gauge the severity of my current situation. No kidding, I've screwed up big time.

Thinking positively is easy. I can straight away snap into my usual cheery disposition like a light bulb with its switch turned on. But the shame will adhere itself to me, and the chiding from my parents is certain, and will certainly last me for a lifetime. I have yet to let my parents know. I'm too afraid of the consequences. Or rather, it's more like a form of escapism. If I don't tell them yet, it kind of doesn't feel official. Yet.

My heart has been sinking since being informed of the very unpleasant piece of news, and it's been sinking all the way, like there's no end to it. I believe there must be a black hole somewhere in me. There's just no end.

Some people think that it's the toughest when you have to pretend that all is fine in front of your loved ones even though you're feeling like shit in a cesspool, but I beg to differ. Should I have been left alone to feel and act as miserably as I feel, my depression is sure to kick in and god, who knows what might have happened to me. At least when you're pretending to be fine, you have this major distraction from your depression: acting.

And sometimes, when you put so much energy into acting like you're happy, you actually forget that you're sad and start believing that you're happy, even if it only lasts for a while.